I was listening to a podcast this morning and two very
successful people were talking about the times they had overcoming doubts, fear,
darkness, struggle, and insecurity on their paths to success. They shared how
those times were the periods that really defined them and shaped the type of
leaders, entrepreneurs, and people they became long-term. They shared that if
everything had been easy, sunshine, roses, and rainbows that they would never
have reached the level of joy and accomplishment they are at today. Listening
to these incredible people, who have summited and help so many, it struck me
that the deepness of adversity only makes us more powerful -- that through
harnessing pain and failure we work towards becoming the best versions of
ourselves.
For the last few years I have struggled to find my way. I
have struggled to know what direction I should go. I have struggled to define
my purpose. I have struggled to align my life with my talents. I have struggled
to identify my passions. In short, I felt lost and adrift. I had brief moments
of clarity & that I could sprint forward, but the sense of rightness was
fleeting and left me feeling more alone and more scared than before. I didn’t
know what to do.
Last October I made a lot of changes in my life (things I
knew needed to be different) and some major shifts happened to me (things I
didn’t want to happen) outside of my control. I literally felt that my entire
life dissolved in a one-month period and that I had lost everything. Even
though many of the changes were my choice and were things I wanted, the
feelings of struggle and despair were so overwhelming that I didn’t know if I
could recover or find myself ever again. I didn’t know which way to turn and I
didn’t know how to be okay. I felt the waves of sadness, uncertainty, and panic
wash over me and completely consume me.
Today I am still trying to find my purpose, passions, and
plan. I don’t know what my life will look like long-term. I don’t know what I
should be doing with my children, life, faith, and career. I don’t have any of
the answers…BUT I CAN SEE.
I see the beauty around me. I can see the flowers in this
journey. I can see light. I can see that I AM NOT ALONE. I can see that I have enough
strength inside me to keep going – one step at a time. I can see that I might
be scraped, bruised, and hurting, BUT I am not BROKEN. Just like those two-successful
people shared in their podcast, I know that the struggles I have faced in the
last year will not last forever. These struggles aren’t what I have become,
they are simply shaping & defining what is already inside me. The refining will
carry me to the places I can’t even imagine yet.
The idea of the mythological phoenix resonates with me
deeply. Through fire & death something new, refined, beautiful, and stronger
emerges to seize the day. The phoenix throws off the pains of hurt & injury
to fly again -- but only after allowing the consummation to happen. I am still burning
and still waiting for my reinvention, but I feel it is close.
The moments of joy & clarity are closer and closer
together. The moments of sadness & despair are fewer and fewer these days. It is almost as if my brain is being tickled by what I “almost” see --where I am heading and what is in
store. Even when darkness seems to chase my heels, I refuse to stop fighting, trying, and grasping for what I desire most -- the idea of finding true joy, love, purpose, and peace -- I have given up too much to not continue to sprint towards it.
I hope, that like the phoenix, I too will become radiant and new as I learn how to be alone, to honor myself, to love myself completely, to expect the respect of others, to choose the direction of my life, and to live my passions. In years to come, I hope that I can look back on this time fondly (as those two podcasters now look on their times of trial) and see how my current struggles helped me become the BEST VERSION OF ME.
Fire Mama
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